An illusion

Scratching my head and entangled in my thoughts I kept thinking about him all night. Things were different this time. I had a lot to talk and a lot to listen but this patience is killing the spree of my feelings. I asked myself the same thing number of times but things ain't getting any better. I think this is the time to reveal what is there in my heart as keeping it within isn't helping anyway. I wish if I could do it the way i want, the way things were meant to be but realized later that it was not less than an illusion. Sometimes what you see is not always the most beautiful picture and what you hear isn't the most melodious sound, and if worst happens you loose all your auditory and visual powers. This time the same happened with me. I can't see him, calling is not a good idea and definitely I am not going to poke him on Facebook. If I am pompous, he is two steps ahead. He could have sent me friend request when he keep stalking me everyday. Oh Jesus, What have we done to this relationship? I am so confused..........

"My heart knows everything, still it make excuses,

my eyes can descry but its deluding me.

Oh my love, my eyes and my heart are accustomed to you."

Pheww....Generally in such situations girls go for shopping to change the aura or just simply hang out with their bffs but this tantrum is not working for me. Even after knowing, that I don't know swimming I jumped into the sea and now drowning is the only option, at least seems so. Back then when things were so easy I always considered it "let it be" way but now situation has turned to me and of-course not the way i wanted to. I never cared for his calls, texts..his time..I always made him do the stuff my way..whether it’s his after office schedule or his weekend plans. And he,..He was madly in love with me, never cribbed....waited for me for hours...even when we had to catch up just for half hour..for me he left his football matches, which he was crazy about. When i used to be sad he used to call me up and would do anything just to hear me chuckle. I still remember those days, he used to pick me up from the nearby place and me always afraid of the thing that what if somebody see us, what if my parents get to see, and he clutching my hand inside the car saying...come on..we are already late and then.......going on a long drive..holding hands..my head on his shoulder and he would lean a little towards me and kissing my forehead and saying "I just love to see you smile, I can do anything for this smile..... When you smile, I feel the world is so beautiful and can feel happiness all around"....... His words, expressions....those late night talks..., meeting for hours,...spending time looking into each other's eyes..., calling just to hear the voice,...though it was once a month scenario....but it definitely isn't real now. Everything I thought is real has come out to be an illusion and when it’s with him, it surely is.  Things were never so simple but what has already happened seems easier as compared to the sufferings of present. I wish the past can still be the future and i could live it again. I just hope i am not rushing to the past just because my present isn't perfect.

It has been an year now, we haven't seen each other and what if he has someone else to take care of him.. to sing him his favorite song...to cook the delicacies he love...these thoughts keep haunting me day and night and I wasn't having any courage to call or text, though his number is fixed in my mind....

Today what i feel is something different, i am longing for him...like without him i am nothing and i need to see him the very same moment only but my guts are bluffing me....i was befuddled when my phone rang and i kept staring at it like as if am doped…. my heart was pounding and i could see myself quivering...OH GOD, THERE ARE SOME STRINGS ATTACHED...that what my heart told my head and supposedly my head stopped responding, it was benumbed and phone kept roaring....it was HIM...it was his third call and I dint know what to do...on one side i was dying to hear his voice..(Yes, the same voice that used to wake me up every morning and sing me while catching some zzz's) and on the other hand I was feared from facing the truth...the delusions I had what if they were true....that I am the thing of the past.

After few minutes i pulled up my socks and called back...and this time he didn’t pick....my heart imprecated my head for making wrong decisions at the right time and landing me in such situation...pheww...I waited for a minute and made the call again, crossing my fingers and wishing he would pick this time. In the mean time, I started hallucinating about what am I going to say, what would I reply to his mandatory questions and all of a sudden I heard "HELLO"..Wow, still the same voice that used to drift away my mind.....but I couldn't utter a word...as if my tongue is on bed rest and my mind being a nurse keeping an eye on it...again his sweet voice echoed in my ears.. "How are you Mishti"...when he addressed me with that name I could feel him embracing me and whispering softly in my ears...I love you mishti...love that feeling......and all I could reply is...."you called up..anything important??"....what the hell has happened to me..how could I be churlish to him....I felt as if my mind and my heart stopped co-coordinating with each other. He said "Why are you talking so rudely?"...damn..he heard what I was thinking...??...and as my mind was triumphing...I replied.."I am busy. If there is anything important then let me know, else I don't have time."......oh my god...I said that.....why,.....how can I say that...he called up after such a long time and instead of asking his well being I am behaving like retards..and as he mumbled..."nothing important"...I hung up the phone...STUPID ME......what am I upto..the only question that I kept asking myself whole day and could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks......though the pain is same but it feels fresh again...felt as if I smeared chilly powder on my enduring wounds...DAMN.....now I got that it was my adamant behavior that annihilated our affinity and now am left with these words..

“Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth trying for
You can't tell me it's not worth dying for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothing there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for
I can't help it, there's nothing I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you”